domdavis.com

One of the things that’s been driving me nuts of late is the posting of wall items on the Facebook iPhone site. The post button is impossible to hit. You press to low down on the screen and it thinks you’re trying to edit the text. Half a nanomillimeter up and suddenly it thinks you want the photos tab (thus looking the wall post and nessesitating entering I’d again). You also don’t seem to be able to zoom in so the button becomes so big you can’t miss it. Highly annoying.

There has been talk of frequenting a public house this coming Friday prior to clubbing, however, in order for me to turn up I need to be assured that at least one of you lot will be there until 11 (or will be coming clubbing with me) otherwise I get to kick around London until Sedition starts and I’m not so keen on that. Would rather go home at normal time, possibly even pop into the local, drool over CBT, then head back into London having showered, shaved, made oneself look stunning and generally not kicking about by myself bored. If we can’t get these assurances (possibly with written contracts, signed in blood) then I’ll not be coming out to play until Sedition at 11ish. Promises to come followed by cancellations will be met with a swift, brutal and disproportionately violent death.

With that in mind, who wants to come to the pub on Friday?

The Inland Barsteward Fornicating Revenue (now known as Her Majesties Custom, Excise and Blood Letters) just make it that way.

What they say.

What they mean.

We need you to fill in this form by 30 September 2008 please, so we can check if

• you paid the right amount of text last year - the tax year to 5 April 2008, and
• your PAYE tax code for this year - the tax year to 5 April 209 - is correct

Fill in this form, making no mistakes by 30 September 2008 so we can

• make sure we’ve screwed you for enough tax last year
• can fine the hell out of you for whatever we want

If your circumstances have changed, and you think it may affect the tax you pay, please tell us now.

If your circumstances have changed, we think they’ve changed, someone you’ve never met thought about them changing then tell us now so we may take your firstborn in punishment.

If you do not fill in this form you may pay too much tax or not receive what is due to you.

We know you’re trying to hide you ill gotten gains from us, admit it now and we’ll only fine you, retroactively, with interest, and no possibility of appeal. Please note that unlike any other form of penal system we’ll consider you guilty until proven innocent.

If you have paid too much, or too little tax we will contact you again. Otherwise, we may not contact you for a year or so - until we need another one of these forms.

We know you’ve paid too little tax. Even if you haven’t we’re going to chase you for it. We’re not going to tell you this for several years so we can rack up massive fines, interest and other putative payments. If your accountant somehow manages to prove you’ve paid too much tax we’ll take forever to pay it back and not pay you any interest on it. You will be happy about this.

When you have filled in the form please sign the Declaration overleaf and send it back to us in the envelope provided.

When you have finally misunderstood our incomprehensible rules on filling in this form sign it, in blood, and send it back to us as irrevocable proof that your soul now belongs to us.

It is important that you tell us now about

• any new kinds of taxable income, or
• if you think you are not paying enough tax on your existing income, or
• if your tax claims are no longer relevant.

This is because we can charge interest penalties if you leave it too late, or if we find out by some other means.

It is important that you tell us now about

• any new kinds of taxable income, or
• if you think you are not paying enough tax on your existing income, or
• if your tax claims are no longer relevant, or
  
• anything else we deem relevant, even if we don’t tell you we need to know

Notice how we don’t care about any changes that mean you’ll pay less taxes. We wont even acknowledge these changes, we just care about bleeding you dry. Notice if you do find out through other means (i.e. simply making it up) you will be liable for putative fines and you, your children and your childrens children will be persecuted and hounded until this end of time.

If you circumstances have changed significantly we may ask you to complete a Tax Return in future.

If you circumstances have changed significantly we may ask you to complete a Tax Return in future, although we may not tell you for some years, allowing fines, interest and other punitive penalties leaving the onus on your to prove your innocence.

I got very little sleep last night courtesy of notwork rail who seem to be spending months using heavy plant and noisy equipment to do something to the same bit of track. Why they can’t do it during the day I don’t know as its a bloody siding!.

I’m also having a bad hair day.

The shutter mechanism on my hideously expensive camera has started making horrible grinding noises and my camera has (probably very wisely) ceased working. Bit of an arse half way into a photography holiday. My spare [camera] body is hideously old and in Colchester so I’m going to have to downgrade this tons plain old holiday. Pain in the arse really as there are 4 more lots of beasties I wanted to photograph, plus it’s going to put my camera out of action for a couple of weeks and cost me a couple of hundred quid to get the shutter mechanism replaced.

Still, when you consider the load that gets placed on the shutter it’s hardly surprising they only last for a couple of hundred thousand actuations.

OK, this has been sitting in my inbox for a while (well, an email with the url in it has) because I was just gobsmacked at how utterly stupid some people were. Let me give you the gist of the story: Low paid person gets into debt, can’t make the repayments, gets a consolidation loan, doesn’t pay the original debt, now left with more. And this isn’t a one of isolated case either, it’s 26% of people getting consolidation loans. How stupid are these people, and how stupid are the organisations lending to them? Hello?! The financial sector has just lost an absolute butt load of money (billions of dollars) doing something silly with lending money to poor people so they could buy houses and not pay the money back.

Everyone involved in this sorry mess is on my list. That’s the idiots borrowing more money to not pay off th old debt and the morons lending to them in the first place. The people involved in advertising the consolidation loans are on a special list reserved for pedophiles and people who stand on the left on escalators.

just ug.

Anyway, I was right [about a great many things], those of you who had the audacity to disagree with me were wrong

And yes, I could be more vague. Deal with it

It’s the end of March. We’re a third of the way through the year and I thought I’d do the first of what will become my regular 3 monthly spring cleans. The cleaners do an admirable job but every now and then the shower could possibly do with a good steam clean, the windows need doing, all the furniture needs pulling out so the whole floor can get dysoned, that kind of thing.

I’ve had this weekend marked in my diary for months. The cleaners come on the Friday, I can then spend the weekend doing the spring clean and all will be good.

Except that people keep having birthdays, so I’m going out tonight and tomorrow. And there is a beer festival on and people want me to come out during the day. And the cleaners never came (short staffed) so they’ll be here next week. And my steam cleaner is missing some bits which the ex has no doubt thrown away by now (and even if she hasn’t I don’t think she’d even respond to emails asking if she had them). Thankfully Polti have a comprehensive (if expensive) range of accessories you can buy so I’ve ordered the new bits for the cleaner and will do my spring clean… er… middle of next month… ish… might be nearer the end.

In the mean time the shower really does need something doing to it so I guess I’ll just have to do it by hand. Deep joy.

…the rain. I look like a drowned rat and I’m freezing.

Why come to a club that’s renowned for its goth, metal, industrial and alternative nights if you’re just going to stand by the bar, get drunk and take the piss?