domdavis.com

Spare a thought for me while you’re all having fun in your offices. I’m having to spend 50 minutes sat in a park and the sun has gone behind cloud so I’m not able to fully enjoy it. I may even need to repeat the whole sitting in the park excercise at a later date to make up for it which will eat into valuable having fun time.

Bwahahaha!

This whole gardening leave is tiring. Up till the wee hours of the morning having a small stress about money (since resolved as I know how much I’m getting and I’m not going to starve just yet) and doing my CV. Up quite early, shower, read through the paperwork I got yesterday, finish CV. Head to Canary Wharf for lunch (yes, I’m a Gentleman What Lunches now, it’s great ), head back to Colchester and collect my camera, after all I’m about to become a ‘professional photographer’ since it sounds so much better than ‘I’m unemployed’. OK, so I’ll be paying myself out of my redundancy until such point as I get a job, wont actually have a photography company and wont actually be selling anything, but that’s not the point. Got home, moved my mobile tariff to a cheaper one and sorted a few other things out saving myself a few pennies each month. Now it’s shower, head off to Tai Chi. Tomorrow I’ve got a workshop on CV writing and interview technique. I’m Doing Lunch again, pick up my Sedition t-shirt, home, rest, change, London, hit the town. My life is just so tough at the moment. Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Right, time to set the record firmly straight. My place of work is currently hemorrhaging money loosing money making a slight loss in a negative profit situation and therefore is having to cut back on more frivolous items like business trips, expense account and staff. Falling, as I do, into the latter category I was delighted to lean that my position is ‘at risk’. Basically this means that, unless I find another role within the organisation in 2 weeks they’re going to serve notice and I will, one month later, become one of the great unwashed placing a strain on our great nation and, therefore, by my own rules, first in line for shooting. Given the number of people who are facing involuntary separation from payroll it’s unlikely I’ll find anything in the two weeks, but I have my best people working on it (oh, and Jas ). If there is a job out there to be had I’ll find out about it.

In the mean time work have kindly allowed me to stay at home during the two week consultation period so I may concentrate on securing a new role within the organisation. This has nothing to do with the fact they’re worried that we, the soon to be unemployed, will do something stupid and try to damage their systems and everything to do with them caring about us as individuals. Should I not find a role during the consultation period I will not be required to come into the office during my notice period, again, no doubt worded in a way that has nothing to do with them worrying about me going postal

So, what does this mean for me. Well, either I get a few days off that I wasn’t banking on, lounge around in the sun, go to a few interviews and generally have a relaxing time of things before starting a new job in a new department…

or…

I get 6 weeks paid holiday, handed a chunk of money (hopefully a rather large chunk, there will be bitching, bitterness, bile, resentment, ranting and so on and so forth if it isn’t) and then spend a quantity of time finding a new job while generally relaxing and having a bit of a sabbatical. It is, after all, the beginning of summer. I have a number of projects I’d like to work on at home, I could get fit, chase CBT (who does, unfortunately work when I used to be free - now I’ll be free when she is ) and look for a job at my leisure. In three months time (less if I get bored) I’ll start looking for a new job in earnest. I need to get, and look at the figures, but I think I’ll be fine for 9 months. After that it gets a bit grim. I honestly expect to be back in work in 3-6 months, possibly less.

Now, to answer the concerns:

Yes, it’s a slap in the face and was a bit crappy, but if it’s got to happen now is a good a time as any.

No, I’m not overly worried (at the moment). This is one of the few times in my life when I can take a sizable chunk of time off without having to worry about saving for it. I’m really looking forward to a nice long relaxing time and if I do find a job quickly then I’ll have stack loads of money in the savings account for next time

Yes, the market is shite at the moment but it’ll sort itself out, I don’t have to find something right this instant and I do have rather a lot of experience. This kind of thing is very much in the nature of the industry I am in and to have lasted 9 years is not too bad. The norm is more usually 2 years (either due to being pushed or going somewhere else)

Yes, I do accept charitable donations. Even if you can only give a few grand a week it’ll all help.

Yes, I’m fine

Oh, and I’m still going out on Friday, but more on that in a bit.

So, erm… yes. Living in interesting times

There has been talk of frequenting a public house this coming Friday prior to clubbing, however, in order for me to turn up I need to be assured that at least one of you lot will be there until 11 (or will be coming clubbing with me) otherwise I get to kick around London until Sedition starts and I’m not so keen on that. Would rather go home at normal time, possibly even pop into the local, drool over CBT, then head back into London having showered, shaved, made oneself look stunning and generally not kicking about by myself bored. If we can’t get these assurances (possibly with written contracts, signed in blood) then I’ll not be coming out to play until Sedition at 11ish. Promises to come followed by cancellations will be met with a swift, brutal and disproportionately violent death.

With that in mind, who wants to come to the pub on Friday?

…all those of you that voted for Boris Johnson please stand over by that wall. Straight line people… you, over there in the corner, you voted for him too, get into the line.

Now, I’m sure you thought you were all doing the right thing but Boris is an upper class, grammar school idiot with a tenuous grip on reality and no brain-mouth filter. OK, so Ken was a lefty car hater, but I never let the fact he was a little left wing stand in the way and I’m all for charging Chelsea tractors £25 for coming into London. Anyway. moot point now so instead I’d like to introduce you to your firing squad. If you feel it’ll help you may wish to close your eyes.

Squad, ready!

Take aim!

Fire!

Right, next lot, ‘People who fail to stop at pedestrian crossings…‘

So for some reason everyone (and I do mean everyone) seems to think that Cat and I are up to something, so to appease all those who are not going to believe the truth: yes, we did wake up this morning after a night of drunken debauchery and drug fueled sex in piles of our own vomit, because, yes, I’m that good I can pull people who are seeing other people

The Inland Barsteward Fornicating Revenue (now known as Her Majesties Custom, Excise and Blood Letters) just make it that way.

What they say.

What they mean.

We need you to fill in this form by 30 September 2008 please, so we can check if

• you paid the right amount of text last year - the tax year to 5 April 2008, and
• your PAYE tax code for this year - the tax year to 5 April 209 - is correct

Fill in this form, making no mistakes by 30 September 2008 so we can

• make sure we’ve screwed you for enough tax last year
• can fine the hell out of you for whatever we want

If your circumstances have changed, and you think it may affect the tax you pay, please tell us now.

If your circumstances have changed, we think they’ve changed, someone you’ve never met thought about them changing then tell us now so we may take your firstborn in punishment.

If you do not fill in this form you may pay too much tax or not receive what is due to you.

We know you’re trying to hide you ill gotten gains from us, admit it now and we’ll only fine you, retroactively, with interest, and no possibility of appeal. Please note that unlike any other form of penal system we’ll consider you guilty until proven innocent.

If you have paid too much, or too little tax we will contact you again. Otherwise, we may not contact you for a year or so - until we need another one of these forms.

We know you’ve paid too little tax. Even if you haven’t we’re going to chase you for it. We’re not going to tell you this for several years so we can rack up massive fines, interest and other putative payments. If your accountant somehow manages to prove you’ve paid too much tax we’ll take forever to pay it back and not pay you any interest on it. You will be happy about this.

When you have filled in the form please sign the Declaration overleaf and send it back to us in the envelope provided.

When you have finally misunderstood our incomprehensible rules on filling in this form sign it, in blood, and send it back to us as irrevocable proof that your soul now belongs to us.

It is important that you tell us now about

• any new kinds of taxable income, or
• if you think you are not paying enough tax on your existing income, or
• if your tax claims are no longer relevant.

This is because we can charge interest penalties if you leave it too late, or if we find out by some other means.

It is important that you tell us now about

• any new kinds of taxable income, or
• if you think you are not paying enough tax on your existing income, or
• if your tax claims are no longer relevant, or
  
• anything else we deem relevant, even if we don’t tell you we need to know

Notice how we don’t care about any changes that mean you’ll pay less taxes. We wont even acknowledge these changes, we just care about bleeding you dry. Notice if you do find out through other means (i.e. simply making it up) you will be liable for putative fines and you, your children and your childrens children will be persecuted and hounded until this end of time.

If you circumstances have changed significantly we may ask you to complete a Tax Return in future.

If you circumstances have changed significantly we may ask you to complete a Tax Return in future, although we may not tell you for some years, allowing fines, interest and other punitive penalties leaving the onus on your to prove your innocence.

Bugger, just missed the 05:30, so now waiting for the 06:00 stopping bloody everywhere. At least I’ve been able to hunt down some tea. Real, honest to God tea with caffine and other crap that’s seriously bad for me. Should be in bed for 7:30, although I may shower first, God knows I need it. Oh, and in 7 minutes I will have been awake for 24 hours. I’m either a hero or desperately sad. Probably the latter. Must also remember to get some mince out of the freezer. The all sugar diet I’ve been on for the past 9 hours to keep me going means I’m going to be starving when I eventually wake up. I’m rambling, I know. Deal with it. It’s keeping me awake.

According to the adverts that the book of face is serving up to me I can meet attractive single local women at Mate 1. Having tried online dating before I suspect this to be lies for all but the loosest definitions of ‘meet’ and ‘attractive’.

OK, this has been sitting in my inbox for a while (well, an email with the url in it has) because I was just gobsmacked at how utterly stupid some people were. Let me give you the gist of the story: Low paid person gets into debt, can’t make the repayments, gets a consolidation loan, doesn’t pay the original debt, now left with more. And this isn’t a one of isolated case either, it’s 26% of people getting consolidation loans. How stupid are these people, and how stupid are the organisations lending to them? Hello?! The financial sector has just lost an absolute butt load of money (billions of dollars) doing something silly with lending money to poor people so they could buy houses and not pay the money back.

Everyone involved in this sorry mess is on my list. That’s the idiots borrowing more money to not pay off th old debt and the morons lending to them in the first place. The people involved in advertising the consolidation loans are on a special list reserved for pedophiles and people who stand on the left on escalators.