domdavis.com

Right. Spam exists for one reason and one reason only. It’s making people money. OK, so these people are the scum of the earth who deserve a slow and painful death, but the truth is there must be enough idiots out there who actually respond to these things. With that in mind lets just make sure my readership are up to scratch on a few things:

• It’s probably not as tiny as you think it is, and if it is, well… tough. You’re stuck with it. No amount of herbal remedies, pumps, unguents, gels or cremes is going to help. If you really think your life would be better if you were hung like a rhino then I’d go see a psychiatrist. It wont help with your manhood but it’ll probably be cheaper in the long run and you’ll hopefully come out slightly better adjusted.
• The only people who are going to make money on that great stock are the people perpetuating the email. You see they get lots of idiots (hint: that’s you buying the stock at the behest of the email) to buy stock which would otherwise be doing nothing at all which pushes the price up which allows the perpetrators to make money. In the long run it’s easier to just send the money to me. You’ll still be out of pocket, but I’ll be happy, pump and dump spam will reduce making other people happy and you wont feel like a moron for being conned.
• NO ONE, and I really mean NO ONE, in Nigeria has THREE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS ($300,000,000). I don’t give a flying crap who they claim to be. Even if they did do you really think they’re going to give it away? The fact that you believe someone is about to hand you millions on a platter after selecting you at random from the entire population of the planet means you’re a cretin who deserves to get scammed, but please God try to stop being so thick so we can stop the torrent of 419 emails. For full details on how to stop getting sucked in by such scams please send ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS ($1,000) to cover administrative fees and I’ll send you a detailed email.
• Guess what, you’ve not won a lottery in [insert country here] which you were automatically entered into. It’s just a slightly more advanced version of the above scam. For full details on avoiding this please send £500 to cover administrative costs and I’ll drop you an email.
• ANY email asking you to pass it onto ‘x’ number of friends is a social virus designed to clog up email servers and generally be a pain in the arse. Nothing will happen to you, your friends, your loved ones, little Tommy dying in the hospital, or anyone else for that matter if you don’t send the emails on. Actually, that’s not true. Send them on to me and you may be the victim of physical violence. Just to be on the safe side though make sure that you and 10 of your friends all send me £100 to ensure your safety otherwise your computer could short out causing a spike on the power grid resulting in a meltdown at a nuclear power station and the subsequent obliteration of all life on the planet.
• That OEM software for really cheap prices… it’s fake pirated stuff and, hell, you wouldn’t steal a car would you? If you’re really lucky it wont come infested with viruses, trojan horses, malware, spyware, key logers, etc, etc, etc.
• All the porn spam you’re getting. That’s your own fault for putting your email address about on dodgy websites. Tough

Please spread the word, preferably with the aid of a baseball bat.

*wonders off muttering something about requiring licenses before people can breed*