Tax doesn’t need to be taxing…
The Inland Barsteward Fornicating Revenue (now known as Her Majesties Custom, Excise and Blood Letters) just make it that way.
What they say.
What they mean.
We need you to fill in this form by 30 September 2008 please, so we can check if
- you paid the right amount of text last year - the tax year to 5 April 2008, and
- your PAYE tax code for this year - the tax year to 5 April 209 - is correct
Fill in this form, making no mistakes by 30 September 2008 so we can
- make sure we’ve screwed you for enough tax last year
- can fine the hell out of you for whatever we want
If your circumstances have changed, and you think it may affect the tax you pay, please tell us now.
If your circumstances have changed, we think they’ve changed, someone you’ve never met thought about them changing then tell us now so we may take your firstborn in punishment.
If you do not fill in this form you may pay too much tax or not receive what is due to you.
We know you’re trying to hide you ill gotten gains from us, admit it now and we’ll only fine you, retroactively, with interest, and no possibility of appeal. Please note that unlike any other form of penal system we’ll consider you guilty until proven innocent.
If you have paid too much, or too little tax we will contact you again. Otherwise, we may not contact you for a year or so - until we need another one of these forms.
We know you’ve paid too little tax. Even if you haven’t we’re going to chase you for it. We’re not going to tell you this for several years so we can rack up massive fines, interest and other putative payments. If your accountant somehow manages to prove you’ve paid too much tax we’ll take forever to pay it back and not pay you any interest on it. You will be happy about this.
When you have filled in the form please sign the Declaration overleaf and send it back to us in the envelope provided.
When you have finally misunderstood our incomprehensible rules on filling in this form sign it, in blood, and send it back to us as irrevocable proof that your soul now belongs to us.
It is important that you tell us now about
- any new kinds of taxable income, or
- if you think you are not paying enough tax on your existing income, or
- if your tax claims are no longer relevant.
This is because we can charge interest penalties if you leave it too late, or if we find out by some other means.
It is important that you tell us now about
- any new kinds of taxable income, or
- if you think you are not paying enough tax on your existing income, or
- if your tax claims are no longer relevant, or
- anything else we deem relevant, even if we don’t tell you we need to know
Notice how we don’t care about any changes that mean you’ll pay less taxes. We wont even acknowledge these changes, we just care about bleeding you dry. Notice if you do find out through other means (i.e. simply making it up) you will be liable for putative fines and you, your children and your childrens children will be persecuted and hounded until this end of time.
If you circumstances have changed significantly we may ask you to complete a Tax Return in future.
If you circumstances have changed significantly we may ask you to complete a Tax Return in future, although we may not tell you for some years, allowing fines, interest and other punitive penalties leaving the onus on your to prove your innocence.
Thank God for accountants
Yes, but why should I have to fork out £1500 to get them to realise I don’t owe them £65,000, they owe me £85? Barstewards, the lot of them.
I have to admit I’ve always found the tax peolpe rather accomodating, and notwithstanding the massive amount of money they take off me each year, they seem more than happy to pay some of it back when I can come up with a suitable reason.
I think you just need to try and relate to them as people.
Also, if you file online you still have until the end of January…
Yes, but that would involve doing a tax return, not a short P810 which is all I have to do these days… except I still managed to fill it in wrong.
Feckin’ tax man. Robbers, the lot of them.
Is it worth reminding you what I now do for a living?
Nope. Now I’ve remembered I have to add the pethetic amounts of interest I earned on my bank accounts so they can rob another 20% of that too the filling in of my P810 is complete and I can send it back so they can mark me for Severe Audit. A pox ‘pon all of them.
Oh come on it’s not that bad, you should try the system here where you ‘guess’ how much tax to give them, then at the end of the year you work out your real tax using one of the 2 tax systems (normal or Alternative Minimum Taxation) and pay which ever is higher or claim back tens of thousands of dollars that they don’t pay any interest on.
If your guess is out by more than 5% to the negative then you get fined in addition to getting to pay the back tax with interest, though I’ve not noticed much interest on the rebates. The only upside is even with State, Federal and Sales taxes it’s still cheaper to live here than the UK.
Though they really need to get rid of the AMT, I’m realy not paid enough to be paying it, oh and perhaps they could fix the issue where I’m several thousands of dollars worse off because I’m married and the tax code assumes that only 1 partner will be working when you get into the upper tax brackets.
This year I have been told that I no longer have to fill in a tax return. I almost wept for joy, drank far to much, and still lovingly finger the communication that means from September I am not constantly feeling guilty that I have to get together masses of paperwork for the Accountant. It’s akin to coming back from two weeks holiday in the sun.
Don’t forget that if your circumstances change, or there is a day with a y in it then they’ll require you to start filling in one again, but they might not tell you and just fine you instead.
Thankfully these days I just need to write down the [pathetic] amounts of interest gained on my bank accounts and sign the form. That said, the tax return wasn’t much harder, it just had a load of irrelevant sections and warnings about death to first borns if you got it wrong or used the wrong shade of ink on the form.