Doing Something Rash
I do daft things. Regularly. It’s what I do. I currently lack people to do daft things for so it’s kind of leaking out (I’ve been buying people random stuff of late for no other rather than I can and that they [knowingly or otherwise] asked for it - sorry Pinky, you’re not the only one 
). Anyway, we need some way of channeling this. I have something ridiculously stupid planned for 2 weeks time which will cost me money so the idea is to try and get it out of my system this weekend thus saving me the money for… probably more stupid things to be honest.
Anyway, to the task at hand. As well as the girl that we are currently besotted by we also have a bit of a thing for our bar tender. To date this had lead to small things like grinning like and idiot every time she serves me, being utterly hacked off when the other bar staff see me waiting and serve me (damn you and your recognising me as a regular now) and buying her at least one drink a night when I’m getting a round in. Yeah, regular Casanova, I’m aware of this.
Now, I’ve had my mates on the case for a while and they’ve been making a few [hopefully, but with this lot you never know] subtle inquiries and we think we know her name (Jess), her age (22) and she might possibly be single. Good, solid hard pieces of gossip and hearsay to work on. Armed with this knowledge I thought I might ask her what her name was and see what she said, so last Friday I toddled into the pub, greeted her with a cheerful “Hello!”, a big smile, asked for a Lemonade and informed her that I would trade her a drink for her name (yes, thank you, I’m not very good at this, you can stop sniggering in the back row), she said, “Oh, I don’t know… Rumpelstiltskin.” We suspect she was lying but we bought her a drink anyway. Later conversations (well, quick chats while she served me) revealed that she was tired and needed sleep.
Now, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say my chances of ever actually going out with her are somewhere between 0 and possibly 0%. Maybe even as high as 0%. This puts me in a nice position whereby I have already, in my mind at least, crashed and burned in spectacular fashion and would need to work hard at making more of an idiot of myself than I have already which puts The Fear (you know, that crushing fear that if you go talk to someone they’ll laugh in your face, empty a drink over you and leave you humiliated in front of everyone… or is that just me?) at a level where we can do things like, I don’t know, ask for their names (yes, I’m that bad at this).
Anyhoo, I’ve decided she’s getting a valentines card. I was going to go for getting a rose delivered, but there are logistical problems such as not knowing where she lives, if she works at the pub during the week, if her name really is what I think it is and so on and so forth, besides, that would be anonymous whereas a card is more, well, rash. We’ve already decided that the name on the outside will be Rumpelstiltskin and I may well take two cards (one with what we think her name to be on the inside and one with no name on the inside) in case I can confirm that, and how we shall actually present it. What we need to work out now (and this is where you lot come in, especially the laydeez, I suspect the blokes suggestions will simple convince the fairer sex that their already low opinion of us is well deserved) is what to put inside the card.
I don’t want to say anything too overboard like ‘I love you’ since we don’t, but then we don’t want anything too casual so she just thinks it’s all part of some hilarious prank or joke, however, being able to interpret it as some hilarious joke might be a useful get out clause if it goes horribly pear shaped. I don’t really do poetry and you’ve seen the kind of stuff I listen to so lyrics are possibly out (yes, I could find some that, in isolation would work, but if she knows the rest of them it’ll backfire something chronic. Just look at the first and last lines of (N.F.B) Dallabnikufesin by Anthrax: “We fell in love at first sight, I can’t explain the feeling when I first saw you”, and “She got hit by a truck!”). So, suggestions in the comments section please. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Oh, and with regards to the other girl, I’ve got that one under control but I’m pretty sure there my chances are about on a par with me winning the loto jackpot. Twice. In a row. Without having bought a ticket. Go me
Hmm, well, not being a woman, I can’t say for sure what’s what, but if you start sending her flowers on St Valentines day without ever actually talking to her properly, she might just be a bit creeped out and think you’re a stalker.
Dunno. Anyone else?
The stalker thing had occurred to me too, but we’re only talking a small card here, hand delivered and only after a little bit of banter. It’s not like I’m going to troll up, present her with card then bugger off again. Still, who knows - what does everyone else think?
Hmmm. I’m trying to think of something clever here, but I’m not coming up with anything. I think a nice card that isn’t too romantic or cheesy will suffice. Maybe a funny, cute one? Be confident though! That definitely wins girls over
Good luck. And I’ll keep thinking…
Could you pay for the rest of my barn?
My record at this is actually technically worse than yours, so my advice is unlikely to be any good. I did hear that it’s good to just say what you think, but in your case that may be a little too much for her… Rhyming couplets might work, ‘I think you’re great, how about a date’ (Never going to make a poet), or a poem, ‘Roses are red, sometimes a winner, I think you’re lively, how about dinner (or a safe lunch)?’
Technically worse than mine? You’ve got a wife (and a good one at that), and you’re still sickeningly in love after god knows how long. Bah I say to you! Bah!
Rhyming couples seem a little cheesy to me. Besides, I don’t think:
or similar is really going to cut it.
Saying what I think is NEVER a good idea. Trust me on this one.
Straightforward is best. What about, something like I would really like to get to know you better and would be delighted if you would join me for a drink/dinner/film/picnic.
Hopefully this will elicit a sensible response of “Yes that would be lovely” or “piss off”. But you don’t know if you don’t ask.
Sounds terribly formal doesn’t it? I feel like I should be inviting her to see my etchings (Eddie Izzard sketch).
Oh ffs Dom!
i) If you’re that concerned about it that you’re going to just dig yourself into a hole pickup a wingman to cover things if it all goes horribly wrong
ii) Just get on with it man, lets be fair, if you’re starting with nothing then you’re unlikely to end up any worse and in many ways the amusement that come with being humiliated in front of ones friends is a great way to defuse and otherwise tricky situation
iii) When she’s not working is almost certainly better, I’ve been on t’other side of the bar before and was almost always less open to things then, though at least you’ll have the advantage of not being blind drunk with make up badly re-applied. Of course this requires some level of information that isn’t always available to you.
iv) Flowers, cards…. Nice sentiment I guess, though the old adage is of course terribly true, candy’s dandy, liquor’s quicker…. Not that I’d know of course, happily married and all that, lack of business trips etc.
v) If you find yourself asking for pickup tips on your blog you might have bigger things to deal with
I only ever see her when she’s working
Still, I wont be going up blind drunk. Wing people are a bit of an issue, they keep moving to the states.
I’d offer - but am ‘unavoidably detained’ this weekend. And yes I am capeable of managing something more subtle than ‘my mate fancies you’ :oD - it could be worse our mutal friend would just knock her out and bring her over for you…though you might find that a lot easier!
I’d find it easier, but that would leave one of the bars unattended and that would be a Bad Thing™. I could just bottle it of course and take up your offer of working my way through your office
Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base
Are belong to you
LOL! geek!
I love the use of ‘we’ like gollum.
Urmm I would stick to something cute and complimentary. Anything too soppy would put me off.
Roses are red
You are funky
Thinking of you
Makes me feel gunky
HAH! kidding.
I dunno really. Ladeez including myself would go for humour at the initial stages.
p.s. I could do with a Garmin Foreunner if you’re that flush.
Of course I’m a geek
Anyway, new plan, less cheesy than a card. Managed to talk to her a bit on Friday and we were talking about the Rumpelstiltskin thing a bit. Going to get her a thing of gold thread (she also does a bit of dress making). Figure it would go for humor but also show I was listening 