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I love Jif Lemon Day. There was a time, a dark evil time, when my mother kept forgetting that it was Jif Lemon Day and we would be without pancakes. Obviously this wouldn’t do so I went and did the only thing I could, learn how to make the bloody things myself. I shall now impart that knowledge so that others may partake, even if they’ve lost or never had it. Note, the knife block shown in this article is not required for the preparation of pancakes and is only included as it lives there. 

Step 1: The Preparation

You will need the following: A mixing bowl and a spoon

The following are useful: a small bowl (in extremis you can just measure direct into the mixing bowl), a sieve (can do without but you’re going to have lumps no matter how careful you are), scales (although it is possible to do without them), a whisk (you can just use a spoon, or, if you’ve got one a hand held whizzy whisk), a measuring jug (this is actually used for pouring so if you don’t have one you can just decant from the mixing bowl).

For every 3-4 pancakes you’ll also need:

4oz flour
1oz sugar (you can reduce this if you’re on a diet or want savory pancakes)
1/4pt of milk (I tend to go by consitency rather than a fixed amount)
1 egg

Place the small bowl on the scales, the sieve in the bowl and zero the scales. Measure out 4oz of flour (4 heaped tablespoons if you’re doing this by eye). Sieve the flour into the small bowl, then sieve the flour into the mixing bowl making sure the flour gets lots of air (basically hold the sieve up, but be careful not to throw flour all over the place. Repeat with the sugar, although that only needs to be single sieved into the mixing bowl and doesn’t need air.

Take the egg, place it into the mixture making an indentation, then break the egg into hole. Now pick out all the bits of eggshell. Add a splash of milk.

Break the egg yolk and start mixing the dry ingredients with the wet ingredients slowly from the center with a spoon. As the consistency gets stiffer add a little more milk. Once you’ve got everything mixed together move to the whisk (if you’ve got one), adding more milk until you have the desired consistency. This should be slightly thinner than shampoo Too thick isn’t a problem, you just end up with American style pancakes, too thin is a disaster. Go easy. Decant into the measuring jug. If you have an uberwhisk now is the time to go mental with it and get the mixture nice and smooth. I also use this time to fine tune the mixture adding the last bits of milk. Leave to stand.

 Step 2: The Standing

This step is often ignored (especially by men) but is vital to effective preparation. You will need a washing up bowl (or just a sink at a push), washing up liquid and some form of sponge or cloth.

Apply a small squirt of washing up liquid to the washing up bowl (or direct into the sink) and fill with hot water. You should end up with a nice foam on the top. Take all dirty items and using the sponge or cloth liberally apply the soapy hot water to all parts of the dirty items. If you start with glassware first, then in order of how heavily soiled the items are it keeps the water cleaner for longer and stops streaks on the glassware. Only wash one item at a time. Putting too much into the bowl just makes life awkward. Feel free to add any other dirty items that happen to be about, you’ll see I’ve throw a few into the mix just to spice things up. If the water is still hot when you’re done then keep it, otherwise sling it, but you’ll need to prepare a fresh batch in a little bit.

Step 3: The Cooking

Ah, the fun bit. You will need a pancake griddle and griddle cloth (or if you must a frying pan and some kitchen roll), some from of spatula thing, oil, some kitchen roll a plate to put the pancakes on and a clean tea towel (men, if you do not have a washing fairy, or your washing fairy is on strike, please refer to the washing machine to procure a clean tea towel. A picture of a washing machine is provided for reference but instructions on its use are beyond the scope of this article).

Apply a small amount of oil to a folded square of kitchen roll. Oil the griddle (or pan… actually, no. Put the pan away and go buy a bloody griddle. Philistine. And get a griddle cloth while you’re at it, you’ll ruin it otherwise.) by wiping with the oiled kitchen roll. Depending on the griddle you may need to repeat this every pancake or every other pancake. Heat the griddle over a medium heat.

Pour a small amount of batter into the center of the griddle then pick the griddle up and tip it so the batter spreads evenly. If you feel the need to use some kind of wooden stick thing to spread the batter very evenly and thinly then sod off back to France. These are pancakes, not crepes! After a minute or so you’ll be able to run the spatula thing round the edge of the griddle gently teasing up the pancake. Toss the pancake (if you have to turn it over using the spatula thing pack up now and go get some McDonald’s or something. Useless!)

Once your pancakes are done decant them onto a plate with the tea towel on it. Fold the tea towel over the top of the pancake to keep it warm while you make some more. If you have others round they may well want to tuck in straight away. Depending on your temperament you may allow this, or you may take any number of the knives from the knife block and stab the greedy gits to death. If you do go for the former option you will need to have sorted the next section before attempting the cooking. Note, the once the last pancake is poured you can wash the measuring jug while it’s cooking on one side. Once the pancake is flipped the spatula thingy can also be washed while it’s cooking on the other side. Wipe the griddle down with the griddle cloth. If you put it anywhere near a washing up bowl I’ll beat you to death with it. In fact, you don’t touch my griddle. Ever. Got that? Excellent. Leave it to cool.

Step 4: The Serving 

You can just taste them! You will need: A plate and cutlery for each person involved, toppings of your choice. I’ve gone for butter and honey, but tuna mayo is good for savory pancakes and sugar and lemon juice for plain pancakes. My personal preference it to eat at the table (and yes, I do actually eat at the table every night, and now I have candle lit dinners with flowers every night… would be nice to have someone to share it with, but thats drifting from the point a bit) so lets lay that properly.

Step 5: The Eating 

Apply the toppings of your choice, then roll the pancake up. Using a knife and fork (because, lets face it, we’re not chimpanzees) cut off a section at a time and eat. Yummy.

Step  6: The Clearing Away

People so often skip this step (again, it’s often the men) but it doesn’t take long and polishes off the night.  Using your [possibly newly acquired] washing up skills wash up the plates, cutlery and other sundries. Put the toppings away and, if it’s cool enough, the griddle back where it lives (bottom drawer… No, under the tea towels… and don’t just throw them back in). The tea towel and griddle cloth can be put in the washing basket (you do have one don’t you?). Any extra mats or trivets on the table can also be cleared, but you may want to leave the candle if you’re going to continue using the room that night. Empty the washing bowl, wipe down the surfaces and you’re all set. Wasn’t that hard was it?

I do pancakes for people on request, you just need to ask and we can organise a mutual time for you to come round. Obviously the cuter and singler (is that a cromulent word?) you are the higher priority you’ll get over other things I may want to do. For example, there is a certain girl I’d ditch my own parents for (sorry ).