domdavis.com

On the advice of one of my colleagues I recorded Hawk The Slayer (actually, to be fair he told me it was diabolical, which instantly piqued my interest). Some films are bad. Some are so bad they’re funny. Some are so bad they’re painful, but none are the equal of Hawk The Slayer. It makes porn films look like highbrow, well acted epics with complex plot lines and deep social commentary. The special effects are laughable (the man who’s lost his hand now has one arm longer than the other) but the defining feature of this film, however, has to be its soundtrack. It’s truly awful late 70’s disco type with fledgling electronic sound effects (I know, it’s a fantasy film, but the sound effects sound more like they’re from Buck Rogers). I just can’t seem to drag myself away from it though…

…nope  I just can’t do it - it’s too awful, even for me.

OK, the BBC are currently running a very worrying article (I will not link to it because I don’t want to help them peddle this filth any further) on Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplay Games and how the market in this area is going to hot up in 2008.

10 years ago or so online gaming was the preserve of geeks and those of us with limited, or no social skills. This was fine, we could mingle with others of our kind and not have to worry about interaction with ‘normals’ and all the awkwardness that went with it.

Then came World Of Warcraft. Now you may not see the problem here so lets use an analogy. Lets pretend that 10 years ago the only drug that people even knew about was caffeine, and those who did this were considered to be outside the social norm.  Then lets pretend that we introduced crack cocaine to the world, in a cheap, legal form and encouraged parents to buy it for their kids. Of course, I’m exaggerating here, there is no was that giving crack cocaine to kids is as bad as letting them play World Of Warcraft. This game kills people (not joking, people have gotten so addicted they’ve not slept and died). It sucks you in. In my case it destroyed a 10 year relationship when we both got addicted to it in a big way [yes, yes, we'll ignore the little pesky 'facts' that it was more likely me who destroyed the relationship, let's stay on topic shall we? m'kay?] and I found it harder to give up than smoking. Again, not kidding here.

They say smoking is harder to give up than heroin . I managed… finally. Now I’m free I never look back and the odd pang I get (which is rare these days) is easy to ignore. I found World Of Warcraft harder to give up than this. I still get flashbacks. I even fell off the wagon and probably will again. There are websites for ex addicts out there, it’s that bad! Lets go over that again shall we. World of Warcraft is harder to quite than heroin! 

There is no polite way to say this: Buy this games and you will likely become Blizzards crack whore. DON’T DO IT!

There are new games like World of Warcraft coming next year. MMO’s (as this genre of drug in game form are called) that are crack mixed with crystal meth mixed with heroin  if the reports on the BBC are to be believed and they’re tailored to your age range.

It’s too late for me. I’m a lost cause, but you can save yourselves.

Winners don’t do MMO’s.

Oh, and for those who are already lost: IT’S A <expletive> ROGUE! Not a sodding shade of red! How thick are you?!

…or god, depending on how you typo it. And if you didn’t go to university with me then that’ll probably mean nothing to you, however, I was reminded of the advert for this fine product yesterday and managed to locate in on youtube. The PC brigade would have a fit if was ever put on TV these days, but if you ask me it’s the pinnacle of advertising and one of the best adverts ever made.

2 comments

linky.

One of the advantages I have with my job is that I am a natural geek. A lot of the time I just see the answers to programming problems without having to go through the arduous task of working each part out bit by bit. If you were to ask me how I arrived at an answer I couldn’t tell you. The downside of this is that my hit rate is not 100%, sometimes I see an answer, run off and code it up only to find I’ve forgotten to take some small, but important fact into account. Net-net I’m no faster than your average programmer who diligently works through a problem and finally arrives at a working solution. Yes, I’ve seen to solution and coded it up twice as fast as them, but hell, if this is solution #3 I’m behind.

The upside is my brain never really stops working on a problem and I can literally dream about solutions. Take yesterday. I had to run a test which, while I managed to hack it about to work, wasn’t working the way I intended. Given the state I was in there was no way I was going to be able to work the problem through logically and no solution sprang to mind. Rather than bang my head against a brick wall I gave up and decided to wait for today (when my collegue would be in to offer possible insights) or tomorrow (when there would be people who know far more about this stuff that I do in the office). No need. Had myself a nerdy dream last night, woke up knowing the answer. It’s actually quite simple, but given the amount of tramadol I’d taken yesterday I could just about tie my shoes (and they fasten with velcro) and, given a run up, basic tasks, like eating, were manageable. there was no way I was going to do anything as complex as ’simple’ though.

Even when I’m not ill I get flashes of inspiration from dreams, or just nowhere which is why it’s vital that us natural geeks be allowed to ’slack off’, as the rest of the world so cruelly puts it.  We’re on the job 24×7, jut sometimes we need to offload the problem to another part of the brain to mull it over (hell, even House does it, and he saves lives… in a ‘doesn’t really exist and would never be allowed to practice medicine in he did‘ type way).

So there you go, I’m convinced, I’m pretty sure I’ve got you lot convinced, now I just need to convince management. “I’m not asleep, I’m brainstorming with my subconscious”.

So that’s it. The madness is over for another year. I spent a very enjoyable (if rather drugged up day) round my friends house having food made for me, lounging on the sofa and generally doing nothing. We watched TV, talked and had a laugh and to be honest, that’s what Christmas should be about. Getting rid of the gifts (I have reclassified the few presents I did get as house warming gifts as I did ask for no Christmas gifts and will open them later in the week) actually made things more pleasant and the not worrying about it being a ‘perfect’ Christmas (believe me I’ve even found myself on the receiving end of a tirade about how “this year was going to be perfect and nothing is going to stop that”, not sure my idea of a perfect day involves being ranted at) meant it was all very relaxed. I’m definitely banning people from buying me gifts again next year

El el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el el.

(Think about it, Christmas is noel )

Dear Santa,

I get it. You’re miffed that I’m not playing, but seriously dude; check the contract. Pressies for the good kids, lump of coal for the bad ones, not a sodding kidney infection (yeah, it’s so nice to know my kidneys are all there, throbbing away). Git!

I’ve managed to control the temperature now (1000mg of paracetamol, 400mg of ibuprofen, 100mg of tramadol every 4 hours) but I’m so off my face I can’t think to work which could mean that the bank doesn’t make as much money as it otherwise might of, which means that pay rises and boni might be smaller, which means there will be less money for things like charitable giving which means you’re actually killing small children and little kittens.

I hope you’re happy.

Lots of love,

Dom

OK, let us assume for the briefest of moments that I am wrong† and that there is a God. If this is true he’s got a vicious sense of humor having visited upon me a migraine the likes of which you have never seen before and a temperature of over 100F for my bah humbugery (sorry, my thermometer does old money, also bear in mind that ‘normal’ for me is 96.4F). I suspect, however, that it is just plain old irony. Either way, I feel like absolute toilet and have been popping pills left, right and center to try and make it all go away. I’m also wearing tracksuit, t-shirt and a long sleeved t-shirt and I’m still cold.

At first I though it may be flu, but I’ve had flu before and this isn’t it. For starters, if this was flu, I’d not be writting this post, I’d be too busy dying and/or chucking my guts up. Flu is one of those things that really really annoys me. 99.9% of the time what you have is not flu, it’s a bad cold. Suck it up. I should also point out that I don’t do man-flu. Man-flu is also just a cold. When you’re in hospital with a temperature that’s so high they’re having to draw new lines on your chart then you can say you’re ill. Otherwise take some paracetamol and shut up.

It could also be a kidney infection. Again, we’re lacking any talking to God on the porcelain telephone, I’m not pissing blood and my kidney’s don’t feel like someone is sticking a knife into them… but all that could be coming. It won’t be the first time they’ve put me in hospital over the mid-winter solstice period (although last time it was a stone, which this most definitely isn’t). I also get up to 6 of the buggers per year, but usually they’re quite mild and, unless my temperature pushes 102F, I don’t really worry about them short of taking some antibiotics and sweating a lot. I’d spend my entire life off work otherwise.

I suspect, however, that it’s simply a really bad cold coupled with a migraine of epic proportions. To give you an idea of just how bad it was the pain scale would actually rate it as a 10 (eyes closed, crying), however, if that’s true then a kidney stone would be about 15 and it doesn’t go that far, so lets put it at a 6 (or about 25 on the man pain scale). OK, so I wasn’t in so much pain I was being sick (been there, done that) but sufice to say it was enough for me to dump some tramadol which, although usually fantastic at killing migraines, is contradicted with some of the other medication I’m on and, in case of a bad reaction, you should consult a mortician‡. It also didn’t get rid of the migraine, which is not usual. However, me being me, I put this down to me not having had enough.

Anyway, I’ve taken even more pills, am now absolutely bolloxed (as you can probably tell be the drivel I’m spouting) and am simply waiting for my brain to stop leaking out of my ears so I can go back to sleep again. On the plus side the migraine is now simply a bad headache (alhough my skull still feels about 2 sizes too small for my brain), I’ve been able to divest myself of most of my clothes and I am now boiling hot with a temperature of only 98.9F, which is a vast improvement. Funnily enough, if I have to take a third lot of tramdol I’ll start getting to a stage where my memory gets totally shagged and I’ll wake up thinking ‘when did I write this rubbish?’. Right, I’m going back to sleep.

Toodles.

†This is simply a thought exercise. I don’t do wrong. I am a firm believer in the fact that the universe is a construst designed solely as my play thing but that it is imperfect. It is quite regularly wrong. I am not.

‡Before everyone lectures me, the side effects from tramadol are the exact same list of ‘if you get these go to A&E’ symptoms for Votarol [or is is the other way round?] and I’ve been taking those for years. Most of the time they simply list everything to cover their backs if anyone does have an adverse effect. Why do you think sleeping pills warn about ‘may cause drowsinesses’? Anyway, I was careful so stop your complaining.

Dear Kellogs,

Surely you should know by now that you product ‘Coco-pops’ has a massive following, and not just from young children. You must remember the humiliating climbdown when we forced you to change the name back to Coco-pops from Choco-crispies (really, who the hell came up with that one?), and you may even know about the restorative powers of a bowl of your chocolately breakfast cereal (for cold, flu and other ailments that require bed rest take 1-2 bowls up to 3 times per day in addition to your normal medication for an enhanced healing benefit). Clearly this is a product that you leave the <expletive> alone. But you can’t can you? Now you’re peddling hot milk with Coco-pops. Hot milk? Are you people insane? Coco-pops are for cold milk. If you want something warming then have some Readybrek or something. Don’t come running to me when the backlash hits you.

Lots of love,

Dom Xxx