domdavis.com

OK, let us assume for the briefest of moments that I am wrong† and that there is a God. If this is true he’s got a vicious sense of humor having visited upon me a migraine the likes of which you have never seen before and a temperature of over 100F for my bah humbugery (sorry, my thermometer does old money, also bear in mind that ‘normal’ for me is 96.4F). I suspect, however, that it is just plain old irony. Either way, I feel like absolute toilet and have been popping pills left, right and center to try and make it all go away. I’m also wearing tracksuit, t-shirt and a long sleeved t-shirt and I’m still cold.

At first I though it may be flu, but I’ve had flu before and this isn’t it. For starters, if this was flu, I’d not be writting this post, I’d be too busy dying and/or chucking my guts up. Flu is one of those things that really really annoys me. 99.9% of the time what you have is not flu, it’s a bad cold. Suck it up. I should also point out that I don’t do man-flu. Man-flu is also just a cold. When you’re in hospital with a temperature that’s so high they’re having to draw new lines on your chart then you can say you’re ill. Otherwise take some paracetamol and shut up.

It could also be a kidney infection. Again, we’re lacking any talking to God on the porcelain telephone, I’m not pissing blood and my kidney’s don’t feel like someone is sticking a knife into them… but all that could be coming. It won’t be the first time they’ve put me in hospital over the mid-winter solstice period (although last time it was a stone, which this most definitely isn’t). I also get up to 6 of the buggers per year, but usually they’re quite mild and, unless my temperature pushes 102F, I don’t really worry about them short of taking some antibiotics and sweating a lot. I’d spend my entire life off work otherwise.

I suspect, however, that it’s simply a really bad cold coupled with a migraine of epic proportions. To give you an idea of just how bad it was the pain scale would actually rate it as a 10 (eyes closed, crying), however, if that’s true then a kidney stone would be about 15 and it doesn’t go that far, so lets put it at a 6 (or about 25 on the man pain scale). OK, so I wasn’t in so much pain I was being sick (been there, done that) but sufice to say it was enough for me to dump some tramadol which, although usually fantastic at killing migraines, is contradicted with some of the other medication I’m on and, in case of a bad reaction, you should consult a mortician‡. It also didn’t get rid of the migraine, which is not usual. However, me being me, I put this down to me not having had enough.

Anyway, I’ve taken even more pills, am now absolutely bolloxed (as you can probably tell be the drivel I’m spouting) and am simply waiting for my brain to stop leaking out of my ears so I can go back to sleep again. On the plus side the migraine is now simply a bad headache (alhough my skull still feels about 2 sizes too small for my brain), I’ve been able to divest myself of most of my clothes and I am now boiling hot with a temperature of only 98.9F, which is a vast improvement. Funnily enough, if I have to take a third lot of tramdol I’ll start getting to a stage where my memory gets totally shagged and I’ll wake up thinking ‘when did I write this rubbish?’. Right, I’m going back to sleep.

Toodles.

†This is simply a thought exercise. I don’t do wrong. I am a firm believer in the fact that the universe is a construst designed solely as my play thing but that it is imperfect. It is quite regularly wrong. I am not.

‡Before everyone lectures me, the side effects from tramadol are the exact same list of ‘if you get these go to A&E’ symptoms for Votarol [or is is the other way round?] and I’ve been taking those for years. Most of the time they simply list everything to cover their backs if anyone does have an adverse effect. Why do you think sleeping pills warn about ‘may cause drowsinesses’? Anyway, I was careful so stop your complaining.