Its not bloody Christmas
Oh my god people, it’s not even November yet and I’m seeing blog entries with people telling me how many weeks to Christmas. Not only that but I’ve seen pubs with Christmas decorations up (to be fair, I saw those last last month some time, 3 months before the bloody event). It’s getting silly. It’s supposed to be the celebration of the birth of the [supposedly] immaculately conceived [although lets face it, that's only because the Catholic church is terrified of the whole idea of sex and they did rather loose it when they proclaimed no procreation without sex (over and above no sex without procreation) to cover test tube babies and completely forgetting that that was one of the big points of their religion] prophet/messiah [depending on your religion of choice, assuming, of course, that yours is one of the major religions that actually chronicles Jesus] who goes on to get nailed to a tree for suggesting we all just be nice to each other [yes, yes, I stole that from Mr Adams, so sue me], not some consumerist love fest spread over a quarter of the year. For starters we celebrate it on the wrong day and pretty much everything we do do to celebrate it is pagan/hallmark in origin. So why the big fuss? Lets face it, Christmas day is never the day of good cheer and happiness we’re all lead to believe it is. There is so much bloody pressure and stress on everyone to have a good time that that is the last thing that’s going to happen. Basically it’s greed. We all get overly excited about getting nice gifts and the shops get overly excited about ripping us off selling us nice gifts and the sooner they can start doing that the happier they are. I intend to buck the trend this year and will be doing the following:
1) Christmas, and it’s impending arrival will not be acknowledged until the 1st of December. I will acknowledge this by dint of purchasing an advent calendar. Said advent calendar will not be used as a means of reminding me how soon Christmas is, but instead (as has been the case every other year) will be used as a convenient vehicle to deliver a daily dose of chocolate to me in the mornings without people complaining.
2) I will not be sending cards. To anyone. A greeting will be issued on this blog nearer the time to everyone who wishes to accept it.
3) Gifts will be limited in scope and cost. I expect the same in return. I’ve got nowhere else to store stuff. I’ve told most of my family what I want anyway. If you really want to spoil me I have The List. The cheapest items on said list are over £100. Most of them are over £2000. Do not ask to see The List if items with a £5999 list price will upset you. If you ask to see The List I expect and item off it (Bathgirl, you’re exempt, you asked for the list prior to this rule, plus you’re probably daft enough to go buy something off it anyway 
). Otherwise stick with nothing/what I’ve told you I want, that way it’ll be more like £20 or less.
4) I will be spending Christmas at home, in Colchester, with no overnight guests. No, I’m not being a miserable sod, I just don’t want the hassle of your usual Christmas day. I want to get up when I want, watch crap films in high definition, play far to many computer games, eat what I want to eat and generally just slob. No doubt my mates who live locally will pop by for a visit. This will be acceptable (although barely as it does mean I’ve actually got to get dressed). I’ve also been invited out for Christmas dinner. This is also acceptable.
4a) Item 4 is rescinded if I find a cute girlfriend on or before the 25th of December. If this is the case then I still want to spend Christmas at Colchester, but this time alone with her with NO interruptions at all. It also means I wont have to get dressed. I put the likelyhood of this happening at slightly lower than my chances of winning the lottery jackpot.
5) I’ll probably not be visiting people in the days off between Christmas and New Year unless they are in the local area. Again, I’m not being miserable, the trains are completely up the spout and I actually need to work on the non weekend/public holiday parts of those weeks. Since the majority of my relatives don’t actually have broadband (or sky HD… or any of the other essential comforts) I’ll need to be at home to dial in (yup, the trains are so far up the spout I won’t even be able to make it into the office).
6) Please note my animosity towards Christmas and all it stands for does not extend to Easter which I celebrate in the fashion in which it was originally intended (i.e. the unadulterated worship of crap chocolate and the consumption of vast amounts of hot cross buns). Get saving now because if I’m not puking due to chocolate poisoning on Easter day theirs going to be trouble.
</rant>
Yeah, but if you found that very special lady .. what would you do if we wanted to bring you round the top, very expensive, item on your Christmas wish list? Would you not let us in then?
I mean, all that generosity we’d expect a drink and a few frivolities (fully clothed!)!!
if I found a very special lady to spend the whole of Christmas with and you wanted to bring round a gift worth in excess of £5000 then I would almost certainly be hallucinating.
Bathgirl tried to look innocent “what, who me?”
I get a list exemption (go me) but dont get to deliver it? Methinks there is a flaw in your thinking somewhere Dom…
You need your head looking at girl
What for pointing out the floor in your ‘cunning’ plan? #looks innocent#
#embarrassed Bathgirl# Floor - should read Flaw - sometimes my typoing just wont keep up with my thinking…since my brain wont slow down my fingers need to speed up. This has been an official BG appology(tm) which I expect Dom to swuiltably mock at a later date
I’ll have you know that THIS WEEK a new communication system is being installed in our seaside home that may well involve two tin cans and a taught piece of string. I will forward details by the usual carrier pigeon method.
And there’s me thinking you were shunning all forms of technology there. Still got the rather ‘interesting’ arrangement of wires by the electricity meter?
And yes Bathgirl, I’ll swuiltably mock at a later date - bwahahahahahahahahahaha
when I accidently hand you a line like that Dom I’d be worried if you didn’t :o)
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